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The amount of lessons coming at me all at once have been overwhelming. They have been tests. Prior, I would call them the chaos or the inner workings of my own mind. Now, they are just lessons. I also normally would have test anxiety on paper, so why would lessons or tests be any different than reflections of our my own failures? However, I still have the choice of how I react to these inner failures. I mean lessons
I know I have grown immensely over the months. Though I know I am not still there. Wherever “there,” may be. These lessons become reality more often than not, but I still have a choice whether I see them as failures or as the lessons they are meant to be.
This shadow work I speak of often is such a less in itself. The lesson learned has changed. Before, it was about facing my faults and wrong doings. A place that made me feel, on top of the world because of what I had to do to get through these moments and my shortcomings. I was proud I had the balls to even make the necessary apologies or face all the negative I was omitting as a human. It was just a false security. I say that because I can talk about it and admit it out loud, but until actually facing the situation in life and not just as thoughts it is just words. It was just another trick of the mind.
I am not failing myself, is the difference. I am still placing blame where it belongs and owning where and when I am wrong. I am recognizing. I become familiar with the patterns.
The lesson is recognition. If you have the recognition, you have the ability to make a choice on how you handle your life during good or the bad times. Recognition is huge and you should be proud that you are able to look inside enough to realize you do not have to constantly live in a negative head space, especially when you think there is no hope. We all have difficult days. We will always have difficult days. Sometimes we need people to just ask how we are. Sometimes, we just need someone to listen without giving advice. Sometimes, we need drugs and alcohol to get through said times. Sometimes, we just need to be alone.
No one will be able to provide you with the right answers. They can offer a direction, but we as humans have free will and life by free will. Only you will know what is your right. That is the recognition in itself. So do me a favor, trust yourself. You do not have to trust anyone else, but you have no reason not to trust yourself. Your actions may have harmed someone else, but you did not break your own trust. Please recognize it is okay to not be okay.
Take the time to reward yourself. Most importantly, reward yourself for the little things. Reward yourself for who you are. Stop making excuses for yourself and recognize when are being shitty to yourself. Why talk down to yourself? What an asinine thing to do and just keeps you in the exact place you fight so hard every day to get out of. Rewarding yourself will bring a smile to your face when it seems impossible to be happy. I believe in you!
Today is today. Each hour is just that, an hour. Each second just a second. Yesterday is yesterday. The future is exactly that, but right now is what matters and what you can control. Right now is the moment to smile. It is a choice and you the recognition to yourself. Find your own song to make you feel like the badass that you are. Find your hype. You will find more than one song and the next thing you now you will have a playlist to bring that smile to your life. You have a hype list. Here is mine.
The Bee Keeper 